Living for ME (Some Personal Things..)

Yesterday was a heartbreaking day for me.. not gonna lie.

Not only did I lose my boyfriend, but I thought I lost my best friend as well. Although I'm holding up alright, the emotional pain is still crushing me somehow.

But... he mentioned something to me yesterday that I never really quite discovered about myself until he actually mentioned it, and while I was sitting alone in my house yesterday, I found a great opportunity to really ponder on it some more. And I came to a conclusion.

He mentioned that I need to stop making plans based on other people and make them for myself; do what I wanna do. (If I could emphasize the I more.. I would.)

Yeah, it sounds repetitive, but as I thought about it, I realized that I have been making that a huge habit in my decision making lately. And he is right. I have been doing that, even with the most important decisions of my life.

So here's what I did:
After I calmed down, I grabbed a piece of paper and drew a line down the middle. On one side, I wrote down the things that I wanted in life that were very dear to me and were of no influence of anyone. Then on the other side, I jotted down the things that I was going to do that were of influence of other people.

You all are probably thinking I'm a little lame for doing this, but just hear me out, this does work, and I encourage you all to do it too.

One thing I put down that has been influenced by other people was going to college. In all reality (just being truthful here), I never really wanted to move away and go to college. I thought I would change my mind later but in my heart it hasn't really changed. I don't wanna move away and get a degree I may not be able to use.

What I really want is to get my degree online.

I wanna get my Bachelor's degree from Full Sail University in Audio Technology and get my degree at home. The recording technology I would get from the school I get to keep when I finish my degree and I would like to use it to make my music at home and be an independent musician. I wouldn't have to pay for housing, meal plans, books, or travel to school. I would get to work at my own pace. That's what I REALLY want. I thought I could just go to Multnomah University for a year and then transfer, but I really don't wanna move far away from home.

Just to summarize, what I really want in life is to be an independent musician and record my music at home; do some local shows. I don't wanna be some famous person. I wanna find a man whom I'll spend the rest of my life with and start a family of my own. That's really all I want in life. I feel horrible that I just let the influence of other people affect what I really wanna do and I was afraid of disappointing people. But what I came to realize is that it's not their life; it's mine, and what I wanna do is up to me.

I can honestly say despite all that happened yesterday, I have been really blessed in other ways, finding a summer full time job and graduating high school in June. Being at home has been a blessing as well. The support of my family and friends have been huge in my life right now.

I'm done trying to please others when I need to do what is gonna make me happy. This is my future, and I only have one life. I wanted to share this with you all who read my blog on a pretty regular basis because it was something that has been on my heart for a long time. I'm graduating high school in June; after that, I'm free to do what I want to do with my life. This is what I REALLY want.

Thanks for taking the time to read this..

Peace.Love.Happiness.Smiles
SammyJane <3