My name is Samantha Brown.
At home, I do my chores, do my homework (sometimes), play my guitar, and pretend that everything is all good.
At school, I cuss like a sailor, I hang out with people who are not the best influence for me. I cannot talk about my religion without being ridiculed or teased. I carry my Bible in my bag but cannot read it without being questioned.
Outside of school, I'm at church. I pretend to be this person in love with God when I'm really slipping farther away from him. I sing in the worship band; on stage I'm singing and everyone can see me, when I get off the stage, I'm the one sitting by myself and don't make an effort to talk to anyone.
In front of my boyfriend, I'm an ordinary "Christian", but do things I know isn't right. But I do them anyways. I don't like talking about religion in front of him bccause I know he doesn't believe anymore, so I keep my mouth shut.
Anywhere else, well it just depends on who I'm with...
Which one is the real me? I have no idea..
Youth group tonight was almost a "slap in the face", but why is it that I hear that I need to live for God and not anyone else over and over, and though I still continue my "normal" lifestyle that I know I'm ashamed of?
Last night at band practice, my worship leader asked me to pray, and I stopped in the middle. Although I wasn't all that embarrassed about it, I was more upset and wondering what happened to me that I couldn't finish a simple prayer. I've done prayers before; but something stopped me. I knew right then that I was simply slipping away from him more and more. My heart sank after that.
I have talked about change before, and I know I have not followed my own words. It's hard to change when you're used to living how you are now.
I don't want to live many personalities like I am today; I want one life. Change is tough, but it's worth it in the end. I have no idea what's gonna happen to me, but I'm ready to find out. I don't want to say that I'm sincerely going to change because I may fail again and again. But there's nothing wrong in trying.
Whoever is reading this, I want you to know that I am sorry for my wrongdoings. I am sorry that I am not who you want me to be. And I'm sorry that I have never been "me" all along. I'm sorry that I'm a fake, and I'm sorry that I am not perfect. But before I end this post, understand something. The only thing you should be living for is God. I sound like a hypocrite, only because I am. I have not been living for God with everything I am, just enough to pass by. But guess what? There's no such thing as passing by. It leads you nowhere. God should be your #1 priority. He should never be the back burner.
I'm not the best speaker ever, but take my word for it.
Sammy, this was beautiful. You were open and honest and vulnerable in writing this. That is the first step toward being "you"...being real. It's hard to be "me" when "me" isn't what the people around me want. When, in order to be "me", I have to stand up for beliefs that will make people not like me. That will make me unpopular or earn names like "fanatic". Trust me, I know this first-hand. But I have learned that being true to myself, being true to the "me" that God is forming, is worth far more and is far more freeing and full of life then anything anyone else wants me to be. You're going to discover that the pressure to conform to the status quo won't stop or get any less once you get out of high school. So learning that lesson now is great! Learning to say "No! That is not me. You are not the score-card on my life; God is. And I choose Him." So hard, but so worth it.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite quote is by Dr. Suess: "Be who are and say what you think, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind."
First of all, you are braver than others to post something like this onto your blog.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you that even as adults we question or wonder who or what type of person God wants us to be.
I believe that if the day comes when I am not trying to be what God wants or if I ever think I'm "done" and have pleased God enough...this will be a very bad day for my eternal salvation. We should always be working toward being a better servant of God and there are times in life when it is very hard.
Just remember that God is not only Just but He is Merciful.
Honestly, I didn't think this was going to get a lot of attention, but when I posted it, it got tons of attention and it made people wonder where they are at with their relationship with God. I have been better with my relationship with God and it's making me a better person, but even sometimes i fall behind and struggle. But God raises me up and gets me right back on track.
ReplyDeleteI didn't post this for any attention. I posted it because I was trying to be "me". I'm glad it has affected more people than what I imagined. It makes me happy that being me is bringing a positive outlook on some people. As I continue my blog and strengthen my relationship with Jesus, that it will not only make me a better person, but help others.